<..: Retreat II :..>

He was just having a normal fever with gruntings, that's all. I guess the gruntings were just his way of being uncomfortable and pure 'manjaness'. We sent him twice to the Children's Emergency at this nearby hospital and each time, he was said to be having high fever and needed to be admitted. We admitted him on Saturday evening thinking he's gonna be alright. By the time, we were in the ward, Kashif was doing ok and he was even playing as per normal with his favourite cousin, Thaqeef! Just then, the doctors came in and told us his blood results showed he had an infection and needed more blood and urine samples to make a culture to see whether Kashif has bacterial infection. They even scared us by saying his white cells were increasing, and me being a kiasu mother immediately thought white cells? OMG don't let my son have leukaemia! However, I told them we have to wait for my husband before doing anything. Najib came and we tried to find other alternatives coz I know Kashif has had his blood taken twice already in that same hour! But the doctors said this was the only solution. And so we agreed.
I remember Kashif looking at me doe-eyed asking me to carry him before he went into the treatment room. I was telling him it was gonna b alright! Just then, a consultant in charge of ICU for that night came and told us they needed to take the fluid from his spinal cord and told us this was just a normal procedure and no surgery or complications will arise. We were adamant and were against it coz it was too much. But he insisted and told us the choice was ours. He was very convincing indeed and we seriously thought Kashif's health was in danger. We signed the release form and I thought that was the worst thing we ever did for Kashif at that point.
After that, everything was a blur. I saw nurses rushing in and out. I saw the respirators and oxygen tank. I saw doctors and I mean doctorS coming in and out from ICU into the treatment room in which only Kashif was in there. I didn't hear my son crying or grunting or whining for that fact! I was suddenly weak and my tummy went really really cramped! I knew it! I cried and when I asked the nurse, she said we have to wait for the doctors. I cried and I thought to myself, Kashif is gonna be alright. Just then the consultant rushed to the ICU which was just beside the ward and told them to prepare a room for a 9 month old baby. The feeling...arghhhhhhhh...it's my child! I know something is seriously wrong here and nobody is telling me anything, damn it!
They opened the door and I rushed in. MY SON IS LIFELESS! I SEE WIRES AND DRIPS AND TUBES! Tell me which mother doesn't wrench in pain? I screamed and hugged my mum. I thought Kashif was near gone. What will happen to me? What will happen to us? We waited so many years for him and he ended up like this? The doctor informed us that he had a seizure and a CT scan was needed. At exactly midnight, he was wheeled into the scanning room and we waited. Alhamdulilah, there were no bleeding. Throughout that night, me and Najib stayed by his side in the ICU.
My baby is a strong boy. He is. I held his hands and I told him that. I know he could hear me even when he was unconscious. I told him I love him and will always do. Just typing this makes me tear. I told him I am sorry if I made a wrong choice. I told him I am sorry for making him go through all this. I demanded him to open his big black eyes! I told him I will see him take his first steps, run, walk with him to school and do the things parents do with their son. I told him to wake up and fulfill this wish of mine together with me. I began to feel frustrated with my flowing tears and I wanted answers!
Najib is such a strong husband. In this ordeal, he was the quiet one. He kept insisting it wasn't anyone's fault and he hugged me all night to reassure me OUR son is gonna wake up from this and become stronger.
Near dawn, Kashif woke up. I saw Kashif's big round eyes and I thought this is the most beautiful face ever! I kissed him and held him in my arms with all the wires and drips and oxygen mask. I didn't care what the doctors or nurses told me. This son of mine wants me and I want him just as bad. He smiled and was even beginning to get uncomfortable with the things around him.
From then on, the night of thunders and lightnings (literally) began to see the ray of sunshine. LITERALLY! My baby is ok, alhamdulilah syukur kepada ALLAH.
I am now more protective of my little Einstein and many good things have emerged from this dugaan.
Things that will certainly strengthen my bond between me and my loved ones!

"And He is the Forgiving and Loving" (Qur'an 85:14)

Friday, November 14, 2008